And I, Well, I May Have Faked It

"Well, at least lie to me."
"Do you mean that?"
"Yeah!"

..Oh, God, no.

Please don't mean that. Please, please don't do that.

If I start lying to you, really start, you'll never see me again.

Hell, I may never see me again. I survived the last time, sure, but that's about all I did. Didn't even make it through in one piece. In two. In a hundred.

I lied for him. I lied and lied and lied. Sang like a bird. After he wanted me to. I broke once. Told the truth once. He fled.

I understand it, abstractly. She's a better person than me. Everyone likes her more, my mom, Tegan, Max...but she isn't real.

This is me.

I'm real.

I'm broken,

but I'm real.

And every time someone sees the real me, they flinch. They run. They ignore it.

You...hadn't.

So

Please

Please

Please

Don't mean that.

I don't think I'll make it through again.

You've Made A Fool Of Everyone

Nah.

Guess

I just

wasn't cut out for this.



(And we've fallen and we're crawling, but we just can't get up again. Shattered, shattered, shattered; a thousand different pieces with a thousand different stories. You thought you could put together a blank puzzle, but all you had was your clumsy hands and blinded eyes.)

Worst Fears

He does not like me. (?)

Worst fears realize in

3...
2...
1...


Boom.



(And I know you're bruised and beaten and broken, but claw back up, bleeding on the floor won't get you anything but a bigger mess.)

Look What You've Done...

He's coming.

Tomorrow.

Ten days.

Sometimes I think I was insane.

But maybe I'm just trying to let that me shine through.

Heavy handed.

Troublesome.

Sincere.

Yeah. Sincere.

I like this.

I don't know what'll happen. What I'm expecting.

I'd rather not expect anything. I just

want to be happy he's here.

I just

want to fall asleep with him.

But I will have to be damned careful.

DO NOT let him in my pants or under my bra...

Again. Hah. A mistake born of loneliness, y'know?

It's not that I doubt his sincerity...

No, wait, it is. I just don't want to have to think about what I'm doing. I want to be completely comfortable, and if I can't be then I shouldn't do it.

He's turns me on hella bad though, hahah.

Wait, sincerity? I mean, obviously we're friends and stuff, but...touching is very important to me. I can't do shit with words, I've made mine all rubbish. But touching, actions...I can keep those sincere, right? "Actions speak louder than words"? (But they don't, and that's okay for now, I'm still working).

It's been hard. Really, really hard. To keep this up. To feel so hard so quick.

Some days I just want to curl up in the darkness, again and again, and keep falling.

It's been hard.

I'll scratch through for now. Give it a test run. Because, y'know

I'm excited.

I'm

happy?

And I don't think I realized how bad I got until I do that comparison.

(Here's to trying, or, better yet, succeeding. Climb higher, faster, harder. The sun is waiting.)

Brought To You With Limited Commercial Interruption

"I'm not ready for a relationship now."

He said it. He's right.

And you're not ready either, dear heart, in fact, you have a lot of work to do and if you're not willing to do it for your sake then there's no use.

It's going to be so hard. I don't know how to start. Where to start. I don't remember what I should be like. They don't like me whenever I start to change.

But I do have too much up in my head to even seriously entertain the thought of being with someone. I need to get myself sorted before I hazard up and drag someone else down with me.

I still like him quite a lot. And care for him, obviously. I just want to hold him for now. Be there for him. Is it silly?

These people our age don't understand, I think, but I could be completely wrong. Would they understand if I said we weren't going out because neither of us were really up for it now? But I'm not just about to abandon the lot of it either, y'know? All we have is now, so I'm going to take it.

Of course, maybe he just doesn't like me at all. Maybe I'm just a convenience.



(But we're still going to try and we're still breathing, so get up and get those fists back up. The ring won't wait for you.)

Kara II: The Wrath Of Another Romantic.

I'm back.


A test run?

Probably.

Less crazy?

Depressed crazy? Sure.

Manic crazy? Yeah, maybe.

This is liable to end badly.

But, you know, for now,

It's good to smile.

(And to like this boy, though we all know how that turned out.)

(And by 'we all,' I may mean just me. But, y'know, that's just how that went.)





This could be a turning point.

Or the part that pushes me to complete madness.

So

Basically

Y'know...

It's an adventure.

(Deep breath, but don't hold it. Time to be alive again.)

Chasing Cars

I almost placed myself in front of a seriously speeding car today.

They slowed last minute for the crosswalk before I could fight my instinct.



Or act on it.