I Understand The Irony Of The Situation

But I realize, once more, that I don't give a fuck.

I know what I am.

So I fuck up once and then, OMG, I"M AWFUL!!11!!1

How many times did Adric fuck up you hypocritical fuckers?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

(Fuck you, I'm going out with Isaac tonight, and how would you stop me? You think you can take me? Well, I'm tired of living in your doublespeak mindfucking tyranny. I have worked ridiculously hard to maintain my own standards of self with no help from your drunken and/or enabling selves, and now I'm tired of you trying to play parents. You aren't shit.)

Fuck, I crave their approval.

But

I don't really need it any more.

What do you think me and Jess are going to do?

Go out drinking and drugging? 'Cos we're not.

"Oh, well, as much as we love Jess, we just don't trust her."

Fuck you, trust me. Trust me to have chosen friends who respect my personal preferences.

And, yeah, I'm really lying to go out with Isaac all night tonight. And we're not going to sleep together. Have sex. Fuck.

Fuck no, because not only do I know I am not ready for that shit, I just plain don't want to, because I apply a little personal fucking responsibility.

But I do want to see him. I want him to hold my hand when I feel like my delicately created whim based world is exploding. And I want him to look at me where we lay in the car, through the darkness and under the streetlights, and I want to see how much he cares for me in those eyes. I want to be somewhere where at 3 in the morning where I won't be wondering just how much more of a fuck up I can be before everyone leaves me. I want to be with someone who just shuts my head off, and, failing that, would hold me until the thoughts go away. That's all I want. Because in the darkness of your household for the past four years I've been tracing scars of self loathing and world bashing resentment and hatred and frighteningly overwhelming despair, and now I'm pretty ready to not feel those things anymore.

And you think I'm going to go out and fuck my life up anyways.

(All I'm trying to do is prevent that.)