Until Then, Well, I'm Gonna Have To Lie To You.

What? What do I keep expecting?



Silly little fuck. Stupid little fuck.



What are you expecting? That magically, out of nowhere, someone's going to come for you? Because You Are Alone. You are. And you keep trying to stave it off, put it off, write it off, but you idiot you can't because this is how you're stuck. No one wants you.



Not those stupid little boys you make up in your head.



Not your creepy little games.



Or your random fucking mind fucks.



"No one wants you."



Why does that have to hurt so bad? Why does it mean so much to me? I don't understand. Idon't.Idon't. And it hurts, oh, fuck, it hurts. And it always hurts and it has always hurt and it will always hurt and ow fuckfuckfuck.



Alex? What the fuck? Do you know what you are to him? Entertainment. With tolerable impositions on his time. It's not his fault. It's yours. You're just not good enough.



Never good enough.



Never ever.



Remember that time you thought you were? You were so fucking ready?



Well, you learned the truth then, didn't you?



Oh, fuck, you were both so fucked up and you were so fucking 'in love' you would have died for him. You would have put a gun to your head and shot yourself for him and you know it and you also know that it doesn't matter. It. Doesn't. Matter. Because he still left you without a single glance back.



And he would do it again. Because as much as you would like to say, "he does it every day he doesn't contact me" what the fuck are you expecting? Where have you been living?



Anywhere. Anywhere but here. Books, movies, my own made up worlds. Because I can't-can't-can't live in this one. Paineverywhere. People dying. Animals dying. DyingDyingDying in slow, painful, horrible ways and rape and prejudice and fuck it hurts! It hurts too much!



You'll never make it out there. You know you won't. He got the 'apathetic' wrong. Not "I don't care what people think"--that's confidence. You just Don't Care. Because, fuck, if you did, well,



You'd be exactly what you are now.



I want to do it.



Coward.



I could do it! I could! It's so close. And those pills, those pretty little pills. What would they taste like.



Drown them in apple juice, it won't matter.



All the people who shouldn't die and do, can't I take their place?



You don't want that. You'd fucking bow out before the blow was even construed.



But...I want to.