Wheck

At this moment, I just feel very alone.

I've finally decided to be respectful, even if I announced my intention and question in a very disrespectful way.

It was two in the morning when I called. The phone rang. The message I left said, at its core, "When you're ready, do I still get a friend back?" And "Whatever choice you decide to make, I will respect it. So I guess this might be........G-g. Goodbye."

And though the thought of him still makes me cry, I suppose that now I've cracked the door all I can do is wait in the hallway. It's a pity.


Then there's all this rot. The three buzz/drunk friends in the next room. Fuck them. Fuck all of them. They may be crying or laughing, but I couldn't say or do anything if I had the desire to. It makes me a snob or an elitist or a separatist or whatever, but, that's just it. The one person I used to vow never to allow excess harm to may be crying, but all I do is sit here. It is the question of whether I excluded myself or they excluded me. It is mostly the former. I made this choice.

Sarah's laughter. I think it might not be sad. Maybe. I hope not. I don't want to deal with either.

I want to go outside into the dark night and start walking.

And keep walking.

Until I reach oblivion.


I believe I'll settle for sleep.

Revelations

Gee, emotional breakdowns are pretty fun.

I spent two hours after my grandma left just crying. Like a little kid, with the noises and the gasps and the shuddering and the stupid running nose. I just cried. Then I ranted and I railed and I cried more and I hugged pillows and blankets till my arms were sore and I became so frustrated I tore at my hair and just wanted desperately to break something and knew that I couldn't because nothing here is mine to break.

To calm myself down I made some hot chocolate and sat out on the back porch. It was cool out, but the grass was soft and the mug was hot. Then, I made a sort of mistake. I tried to not feel lonely. I called Melissa. Then I called Jess Lee. Then I called Julie. It was Tegan's two month with Tony, so I didn't call her. I couldn't ruin her afternoon/evening. But no one answered. Not a single person. Who do I call then? No one who I'd be comfortable enough with.

And it might have been over, but faced with such resounding reminders of loneliness, I was broken further.

At that point, I just really wanted someone to hold me and let me cry to them. I just needed a friend, someone who would touch me and remind me I'm not alone. Hold my hand, clap my shoulder, I just want some form of contact and comfort and help. It's all I still want, a day later, someone I feel could just hold my hand and let me cry.

But there's still no one. Even now. Alone in a dark house, and what is it now to call anyone? It's nearly two in the morning for the people I would call. So I just drop it.

And it's like I'm drowning.

It's one o'clock in the morning

and I'm drowning.

(And I've just realized no one will ever come to save me.)

"I told him I hated him from the bottom of my heart, said I was kidding, but, really, I meant it."

I didn't know she was capable of hate.

But, damn, she is the best cousin ever.

She tried really hard for me.

But he's still shooting her down.

And shooting me through my heart.

He says Green Bay tomorrow til Sunday.

Sunday church, homework, etc.

Leaving for MI Monday morning.

For....a week I think.

And then immediately camping out.

Oh and, "Try to find a half hour, just a half hour?"

"The last time I did I got grounded."

Well, Fucker, no one demanded you do that. That was your choice.

WHY ARE YOU RUNNING?

I don't

I don't

I don't

I don't understand.


And it's killing me.

Montressor

And every day that passes, this feels more and more like a mistake.

Too much has changed. Too many people. Too many situations.

Maybe I don't really belong with everyone anymore.

Still, Travis' words meant a lot to me. "Stop acting all awkward. This is Racine and you belong here."

And what now?

What do I do?

I don't know.

I just

don't know.

And then there's that.

So easy to drop.

So easy to stop.

But then there's that absence of--oh, what is that little thing? Right. My heart.

Everything's heavy.

So few things are beautiful.

Worthwhile.

Worth a smile.

Drop your trivial plans.

Drop it all.

Peace can be so hard to find.



Oh, and

he

(but not him)

kissed me?

So.

I guess for once and for always.

I'll do what he wants me to.

No more calls.

Maybe it'll make him happy.




(It fucking better.)





I don't wanna do it, but I'm being so fucking creepy. It has to be wrong. It has to be weird. I have to be being selfish. I may want to live in some dream-type world where I can be considered charminly persistant but I'm sure it's just fucked up.

I'm trying to convince myself anyway.

What else can I do?

It's despair.