I'm nervous.

Excited.

Anxious.

Terrified.

Exhilirated.

I don't know what to say or do.

I want to shake down my friends and acquaintances for every last detail.

Is now my time to move?

What could I say? What could I do?

I make all these plans for the illusion of him, and then when I am around the real him, I become the real me.

No plans.

No grand dramatics.

Just me. Every thought in my head coming out as words.

With no regrets.

I don't think I can approach him.

Only wait.

And watch.

And hope he'll see me.

Feel me.

Hear me.

Come home to me.

Swing

Keep the swing a-singin'
Keep me grooving low to high beats
Because once my feet stop moving
My mind begins to think

Keep the music banging
Keep on leading me 'round
Because once my feet stop moving
My heart begins to drown

Keep the guys a-comin'
Keep me spinning fast
Because once my feet stop moving
It's like I'm made of glass

Keep the shoes clacking
Keep dipping me low
Because once my feet stop moving
I lose faith in my soul

Yeah, 'cos swing keeps me up
Keeps my feet a-moving
We'll swing until the music stops
So it better keep on going

There's nothing like sincerely wishing that your father will die young.


That way, you won't have to hate him.

Conflict

I don't think she understands. She's my supposed best friend down here and she doesn't understand and I don't know if I want to tell her.

You have God and Jesus and the Bible and Church. I think that is magnificent for you.

I do not have these things.

I have people. I have humanism. I have love and friendship and loyalty and ties. I don't tell you God doesn't exist. Don't tell me "Prince Charming on the White Horse" doesn't exist. I don't want to hear about the hitchhikers that have jumped people when I say I would pick them up if I had a weapon and other people with me. I'm not stupid. I know there's danger. By why should the good people have to pay for the sins of others? You have faith in God. I have faith in people. Let's not fuck with faith, 'kay?

And I know I'm unfair to you. Unfair to everyone in Florida. You want me to accept you. But you know that this little inch of me deep, deep down, resents you. Because this is Florida. I'm not a good person and this probably will not change. I'm sorry.

I should try.

I should do a lot of things.

I want to be a better person.

I don't have many scruples. I don't want to make anyone sad. I lie as easily as I breathe. It's natural.

JUMP

What if I see him?

What do I do?

How do I react?

What if I cry?

What if I run?

Oh fuckfuckfuckFuck.

I'm excited to go but terrified. It's a small town.

And it's not like he can run out before school ends.

Two weeks.

Do I try?

Do I leave well enough alone?

Oh it's killing me.

Killing me so beautifully.

Oh dear. Oh goodness. What? What do I do?

I want him so badly.

A conversation.

A glance.

Even a harsh word.

Yell at me. Hate me. Please don't leave me.

What do I do?

I'm panicked. Anxious. Scared Stiff.

Maybe he does feel nothing for me.

Maybe I am just being selfish. Fooling myself.

Oh it hurts.

Six months. Six long, horrid months.

"Wound" "Scab"

These words are nothing.

There's only you and me.

I refuse fate for you.

I reject convention.

I will change destiny to be with you.

Acquaintance. Friend. Love. Enemy. Bane.

But with you.

Irrevoably tied to you.

The use of "I" makes me think this is a selfish conquest.

Oh I'm scared.

Oh I'm terrified.

Oh I want to see you.

(But please don't see me)